Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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