I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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