On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think your dad took our porno
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
