If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
