Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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