I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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