he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize