I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
