She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
