I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
