Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
