We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
