The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
