I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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