Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
