Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
