My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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