Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
