I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
