i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
