literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
