my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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