Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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