I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
