Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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