I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
