I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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