You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My dick has a subreddit
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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