I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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