Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
