nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
