That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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