the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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