what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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