I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
