the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Houston, we have a blender
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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