my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
