i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
