I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
