i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
