It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
