he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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