i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
