When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
