Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
