I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
