Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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