: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
