I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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