Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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